Are You Coping...or Living?

A friend and I were recently reminiscing about the youth ministry programs we used to run together.

We laughed about the late nights... the early mornings... the nonstop running in between. We'd stay up until two in the morning, be back on our feet by seven, and do it all again—for an entire week.

Then one of us said what we were both thinking.

"I'm pretty sure I couldn't do that now."

More Than Midlife Fatigue

Midlife has a way of reminding us that our energy isn't what it used to be.

I get it.  I’m learning to accept it.  It’s normal.

Our bodies change. Our responsibilities change. Life is different than it was twenty or thirty years ago – in many ways.

But lately, I've started wondering if some of what I hear from women isn't really about a midlife energy shift at all.

Because alongside the conversations about being tired, I hear things like...

"I get home from work and just collapse."

"I don't remember the last time I did something because I wanted to."

"I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore."

Those don't sound like women who simply need an earlier bedtime.

They sound like women who have become incredibly good at managing life... but may have forgotten what it feels like to fully live it.

When Coping Becomes Our Normal

That has me wondering about the difference between coping and living.

Now, before we go any further...

I don't think coping is a bad thing.

In fact, coping is often exactly what a difficult season requires.

When we're walking through grief, caring for aging parents, navigating health concerns, dealing with tough stuff with our kids, changing jobs, or carrying more than feels possible, we cope because we have to. Coping helps us keep putting one foot in front of the other until the ground beneath us feels steady again.

There's nothing wrong with that.  I’ve had seasons where I’ve relied on coping in order to get through.

The question isn't whether we cope.

The question is what happens when coping becomes our normal.

When getting through today turns into getting through this week... this month... this year… or longer.

Without realizing it, we stop looking for—or even hoping for—anything more. We become so accustomed to managing life that we begin to mistake managing for living.

Is Your Downtime Really Restoring You?

I wonder if that's why so many women tell me their evenings have become little more than recovery time.

Whatever the activity—scrolling, sipping, binging, reading—it's often less about what they're doing than why they're doing it.

They're simply trying to recover enough energy to do it all again tomorrow.

It leaves me wondering...

Is what we're doing to unwind actually restoring us...

...or is it mostly a way to escape until tomorrow arrives?

There's a difference.

Escaping gives us a break from life – for a little while.

True re-creation reminds us who we are and helps us come back to life more fully.

Maybe that's the greatest cost when coping becomes a lifestyle.

Not the exhaustion or the busyness.  

It's that somewhere along the way, we can lose touch with ourselves.

Our days become filled with responsibilities, deadlines, appointments, errands, and expectations. We get very good at responding to what everyone else needs.

A Different Question

When we get good at just managing life, we stop asking different questions.

Questions like:

What would bring me joy?

What am I curious about?

What have I been longing for?

Instead, the question becomes...

What will get me through tomorrow?

That's an important question during a difficult season.

It's just a hard question to build a life around.

Maybe living doesn't require a dramatic life change.

Maybe it begins much more simply than that.

Maybe it begins when we start making choices that reflect the life we long for—not just the life we've become so good at managing.

Not all at once.

Not perfectly.

Just one small choice at a time.

If any part of this feels familiar, perhaps this is simply an opportunity to notice.

Not to change everything.

Not to overhaul your life.

Just to ask...

Have I become so good at coping that I've forgotten what it feels like to be fully alive?

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