You’re Not Crazy—You’re in a Midlife Transition
Lately, I’ve noticed myself occasionally feeling out of sorts – unsettled, even anxious at times – with no obvious culprit.
And my mind – obnoxious two-year-old that it is – always wants to know why. So it starts interrogating me:
You’re fine. Your life is fine. In fact, it’s even good. So why do you feel this way when nothing is technically wrong?
As I fumble to figure out an answer, I start wondering: Is this menopause… or is this me?
(Please tell me I’m not the only one who has a secret pastime of second-guessing their own inner experience—wondering whether what they’re feeling is hormonal, emotional, situational, or a sign that something is wrong with them.)
I don’t think “lack of self-awareness” is to blame for not quite knowing what’s going on inside. I think this season has introduced a kind of internal ambiguity I didn’t expect. A fog that feels deeper than what’s typically named as brain fog.
And as I’ve stayed with that uncertainty, I’ve realized how destabilizing it can be—especially for women who have spent decades being capable, steady, and reliable.
This reflection isn’t about sorting those questions out, doing a root cause analysis, and dividing all of our experiences into neat little categories. It’s about naming the mental and emotional landscape that can emerge in midlife, and creating space to notice it without judgment or urgency.
For this fifth post in The Upgrade, I invited Dr. Sharon Deacon, a marriage and family therapist, to reflect on the mental and emotional terrain many women encounter in midlife. Sharon works with women and couples navigating this season every day, and she has a steady, compassionate way of naming what’s happening without rushing to fix it. What follows isn’t a list of strategies or solutions—but a reflection meant to help you recognize yourself in the experience.
Mental and Emotional Health in a Season of Change
Dr. Sharon Deacon, a licensed marriage and family therapist, reflects on the mental and emotional landscape many women encounter in midlife. Drawing on decades of clinical experience and her own life as a midlife mother launching four children, Sharon brings a grounded, compassionate lens to this often disorienting season.
A Conversation Many Women Are Having (Behind the Scenes)
“Hi! How were your holidays? All of my kids just left and I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure if it’s hormones or the emptiness of the house again.”
[SEND]
“Hi! I am good. Menopause, empty-nesting—they are both hard. It’s a toss-up! My kids leave for school and work in a few days. I love seeing them, but I am so tired of having a front-row seat to their questionable decisions! I know, I know—I just have to zip it and stay in my lane. My tongue hurts from biting it.”
[SEND]
“My husband thinks I am crazy with how much time I spend contemplating the worst possible outcomes for my kids, my parents, our retirement, potential car accidents, getting some rare disease, him dying…! I never had time to worry about these things before! I must be a joy to live with.”
[SEND]
“We’re not talking much right now. He is burned out of his career and keeps talking about retirement, moving, and traveling. I don’t even know who I am or what my purpose is right now. I can’t take any more big changes. My low sex drive isn’t making things any better between us.”
[SEND]
“Sex—not with this body! There is no way I am ever going to drop these holiday pounds. And the hot flashes, night sweats, 2–4 a.m. insomnia, morning aches and pains, hair thinning, aging spots—I can’t believe he still wants some of this? Lol!”
[SEND]
“What happened to us? We used to manage a whole household, have vibrant careers, run the PTA, chauffeur kids around every day from 3–7, and long for more date nights and free time for ourselves. Now, we have the time and money and instead we sit around depressed, worrying about the future, lamenting the past, and watching our kids chase their dreams.”
[SEND]
“I don’t even remember what my dreams were… are. But my memory left with my kids and my sex drive, so no surprise there! Lol! I feel so lost and left behind.”
[SEND]
“Me too, friend… lost and left behind! Gotta go—I need to drop soup off to my dad while my mom is still in rehab. No idea how I am gonna juggle taking care of them and still work full-time and plan my son’s wedding!”
[SEND]
Midlife: The Valley Between What Was and What’s Next
Midlife. That valley of time between the past and the future, when everything changes.
Midlife seems to slowly fade in as kids and parents slowly fade out of our lives. In the words of my favorite ’80s band, REO Speedwagon, the world expects us to just “roll with the changes.” But with the mash-up of menopause, glass ceilings, kids launching, caregiving for parents, and empty-nesting, it can feel more like your feet are lodged in thick, gloppy mud—and the world is moving on without you.
That leaves us feeling uneasy, uncertain, unqualified, disconnected, lonely, anxious, and even depressed.
Too many times in this world, we expect a woman to put on a superhero cape and do it all with a smile on her face, through self-denial and superhuman strength. Then, when women struggle under the mental and physical load they are carrying, we look down upon them as if they are weak, incapable, or incompetent.
Why Mental Health Can Feel More Fragile in Midlife
For some women, this phase of life is exhilarating. But for many, it is a daunting road of loss, uncontrolled change, and stress. That explains why feelings of anxiety and depression in midlife rise substantially. And yes—your changing hormones and brain fog can intensify these feelings even more.
You are not going crazy.
It is reasonable to feel depressed and anxious about kids leaving, parents’ ailing health, disconnection in your marriage, and career plateaus. Anticipatory loss and grief are sad. It is unsettling when your body is not as agile, healthy, able to rest, or energetic as it used to be. It is downright scary when you can’t find words, when your memory feels dull, and you can’t think as clearly.
Uncertainty about your identity and future can make you feel lost, confused, and worried. And when everyone else seems to be moving on, it’s easy to feel left behind—alone and stuck.
Permission to Take Off the Superhero Cape
Midlife is a mentally and emotionally challenging time. It is okay to take off the superhero cape and validate your own struggles.
You have permission to take a time out from the rush of life and the role of caregiving and focus on self-care. Listen to your body and nurture it. Be mindful of your thoughts and the narrative you are writing about your life. Notice your feelings, listen to their message, ride their wave, and let them pass.
Connect to others and realign relationships as needs change and roles get redefined. And most of all, allow yourself to ask for help.
Whether you need a cup of coffee with a close girlfriend, prayer time with God, psychotropic medication, or a good therapist to help you roll with the changes—do not struggle in silence.
A Turning Point, Not a Failure
Midlife is a turning point that beckons a whole new mindset.
The old has gone. The new has come.
Your role is changing.
Your identity is evolving.
Your relationships are developing.
And your whole body is maturing.
Be kind to yourself and roll with the changes—one day at a time.
About Dr. Sharon Deacon
Dr. Sharon Deacon is a New York State–licensed marriage and family therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families navigating change, stress, and relationship challenges across the lifespan. With more than 25 years of experience, she brings a thoughtful, evidence-informed approach to supporting mental and emotional wellbeing. Learn more about Dr. Deacon and her practice, Firm Foundations Marriage & Family Therapy, at https://www.firmfoundationsmft.com.
A Closing Reflection
I feel like I need a few moments just to take that all in.
Yes. To all of it.
Most especially to the reassurance that I’m not crazy. Along with the acknowledgement that there is a lot going on. So. many. changes. All at the same time. Many of which come with loss of some kind. It’s no wonder everything feels shaky or unsettled.
I appreciate Sharon’s permission to pause and notice, and then to ask for what we need.
I’m also grateful for her perspective that “midlife is a turning point that beckons a whole new mindset.” It’s a much gentler outlook than how my long-standing high-striving, achieving programming usually operates.
I don’t have to make a wholesale “life overhaul” to navigate this time. I don’t have to fight the unstable emotions or changing mental capacity—or beat myself up because of them. I just need to notice what I’m experiencing and ask what that might be inviting me to.
Every now and then, I actually catch a whisper of that beckoning of who I might yet still be.
It’s enough to keep me curious. And it helps to remember a “turning point” is usually best managed one slow degree at a time.
If you’re sensing a turning point in your life – or even just the unsettledness of this new territory – you might try reflecting on these questions:
What feels most unsettled or shaky in this season—and what kinds of changes or losses might be layered underneath that feeling?
If this really is a turning point, what might it be quietly inviting you to notice or hold differently—without needing to decide what comes next?
If This Feels Like a Pause Point
And if—like me—you’re finding it helpful to pause here and look at your life from a bit of distance, you’re not alone.
In the coming weeks, I’ll be offering At a Pause Point—a couple of guided reflection sessions simply designed to create space to notice, listen, and discern alongside others who are navigating similar transitions.
No pressure. No fixing. Just a chance to breathe and pay attention, if and when that feels supportive.
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