A Rule of Life: A Little Structure to Help Your Life Flourish

I have a confession to make.

There’s something that has become pretty foundational to both the way I live my own life and the work I do with clients.

And I hardly ever talk about it.

At least, not by name.

It’s called a Rule of Life.

And I think I’ve avoided talking about it for a couple of reasons.

For one thing, I first learned about the concept of a Rule of Life in a church history course while earning my Master’s degree in Pastoral Ministry.

Which means I’ve never exactly considered it common knowledge.

It’s not the kind of thing that tends to come up at dinner parties.

“So, how about those Bills? And by the way, what’s your Rule of Life?”

Probably not.

And then there’s the name itself.

Rule of Life.

It sounds...rule-y.

Most of us aren’t always big fans of rules.  

And especially for women who already have more than enough expectations, obligations, and unwritten rules about what we should be doing, I’m not particularly interested in handing out a few more.

But lately, I’ve been reconsidering my reluctance—partly because I’m hearing the term more often, but mostly because I’m realizing that while I may not say Rule of Life very much, I talk about the pieces of it all the time.

Needs.
Values.
Priorities.
Boundaries.
Time.
Choices.

Discernment.

In fact, Rule of Life may be one of the best ways I know to bring all those pieces together.

Knowing what matters isn't enough

I do a lot of work with people around self-awareness.

What do I need?

What do I value?

What matters most to me in this season?

What do I want my life to be about?

Those are important questions. Really important.

But I’ve learned—both personally and professionally—that knowing what matters is one thing. Building a life that reflects it is another.

I can say relationships are important to me.

But does my calendar make room for them?

I can know that I need quiet and solitude to function at my best.

But have I built any quiet into my actual week?

I can value creativity and play.

But if every open hour gets swallowed by work, errands, and other people’s needs, does it really have a place in my life?

I can say I want to take care of myself.

But what rhythms, practices, and boundaries actually help me do that?

That’s where a Rule of Life comes in.

A trellis...not a rulebook

The word rule in Rule of Life comes from the Latin word regula—which some scholars believe was used in ancient Mediterranean times for a trellis in a vineyard.

And that image changes everything for me.

A trellis doesn’t tell a vine exactly where every leaf must grow.

It doesn't constrain the plant into submission.

It provides enough structure to support growth.

It actually helps the vine to flourish and to bear more fruit.

That’s what a Rule of Life can do for us.

It isn't a rigid schedule or a list of commandments for how to live a perfect life.

It’s a way of getting clear about who I am and what matters—and then creating the rhythms, practices, boundaries, and commitments that help me actually live like those things matter.

A Rule of Life helps me stop relying on good intentions alone.

Because I have lots of good intentions.

I intend to make time for friends.

I intend to stop working at a reasonable hour.

I intend to make room for things that bring me joy.

And then...life.

Someone needs something. An opportunity comes along. The calendar fills. Work expands. Something urgent bumps something important.

Before long, I can find myself living a life that looks very different from the one I said I wanted.

Sound familiar?

A little structure can create a lot of freedom

This is one of the things I love most about a Rule of Life.

It gives me something to come back to.

When life gets noisy, it reminds me what matters.

When everything feels important, it helps me discern what deserves my attention in this season.  Or even today.

When an opportunity or request comes along, it gives me a filter for deciding whether it fits.

And when I notice that my life has gone sideways—as it inevitably does—it gives me a way to reset.

A Rule of Life doesn't eliminate hard choices or unexpected circumstances.  It doesn’t make a life perfect or easy.

But it can reduce some of the chaos and mental exhaustion that come from constantly reacting—and help me create rhythms that support me instead of running myself into the ground.

Perhaps most importantly, it can help close the gap between what I say matters and how I actually live.

That's not restriction.

For me, that's freedom.

And yes...a Rule of Life can change

This may be one of the most important things I've learned.

A Rule of Life isn't something I create once, laminate, and follow faithfully for the next 40 years.

Thank goodness.

Because the life that fit me five years ago doesn't completely fit me now.

To be honest, the life of “two-years-ago Kathy” doesn’t even fully fit either.

My responsibilities change. My relationships change. My work changes. My body changes. My capacity changes.

I change.  And I’m supposed to.

So I regularly come back to the questions:

Who am I now?

What matters in this season?

What practices and rhythms will help me live that?

Sometimes the answers require a meaningful change.

Often, they require a very small one.

Either way, I'm not trying to build a perfect life.

I'm trying to build one that fits.

Turns out, this is what I've been teaching all along

As I’ve been thinking about Rule of Life more explicitly lately, I think it’s time to come clean.  

This is really what we build in Real Life Refresh.

We start with the person underneath all the doing—needs, values, strengths, and a clearer understanding of who we are.

Then we look at the life each of us is actually living. What matters in this season? What deserves our time, energy, and attention?

And then we get practical.

Projects. Plans. Time. Boundaries. Rhythms. Practices.

Not because I need to cram one more self-improvement project into my life.

But because knowing what matters isn't enough.

Eventually, I have to build a life that reflects it.

And while that work is deeply personal, I've also learned that it's hard to do alone.

That's part of what Real Life Refresh provides—the space and support to do it together.

Real Life Refresh gives us the time, structure, tools, coaching, and community to do that work—to experiment, adjust, learn, and gradually bring the pieces into greater alignment.

The fall group begins October 5, and enrollment is now open.

If something in this has you thinking, Hmmm...maybe that's what I've been looking for, I'd love to talk.

Not a high-pressure sales call. Not a commitment.

Just a conversation about what's happening in your life, what you're longing for in this season, and whether Real Life Refresh might be a good fit.

[Learn more about Real Life Refresh]

[Schedule a conversation with me]

Because I highly doubt you need more rules for your life.

But maybe you could use a little structure to help your life flourish and bear the kind of fruit you really want.

If so, let’s have a conversation.

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