Beyond Pros and Cons: Using a Matrix for Deeper Decisions
This post is part of my Lessons from the In-Between series—real stories and honest reflections on how I found my way forward when the path ahead wasn’t clear. In previous posts, I’ve talked about:
the importance of being before doing - of knowing your real self
the value of outside perspectives to help us see ourselves clearly
Now, let’s look at a tool and process for sorting and sifting options.
When we’re in the in-between—between roles, between seasons, between identities—it’s not always clear which way to go. We weigh our options, ask for advice, pray for clarity, maybe make a pros and cons list…and still feel stuck.
Sometimes what we need is a deeper way to decide.
Not a shortcut.
Not a scorecard.
But a tool that helps us hold space for all the ripple effects a decision might create.
That’s where this matrix comes in.
When Your Head Is Spinning, Start Here
I don’t even remember where I first saw it, but I’ve used this matrix tool it more than once to think through a hard choice. And recently, I walked through it with a friend who was wrestling with whether to leave a part-time job and focus more fully on her business.
She’d been circling the decision for months. It was like her mind was doing laps around a pool—treading water, never touching the wall.
So I handed her a notepad and said, “Draw four quadrants.”
In the top left: “Benefits of Staying.”
Below that: “What I lose if I stay.”
In the top right: “Benefits of Leaving.”
And below that: “What I lose if I leave.”
The simple act of naming each of those possibilities helped her get out of her head and into her heart. She realized, for the first time, that leaving meant losing a long-held professional identity. That loss had been sitting quietly in the background, weighing her down without being named.
Once she acknowledged it, we could talk about it. And through that reflection, she came to a powerful insight—she didn’t have to lose that identity entirely. She could carry forward the parts that mattered most and integrate them into the new thing she was building.
And she did. Within a month of that conversation, she resigned from that job and started working with clients in her new business.
That’s what this tool does. It surfaces what’s been hiding.
Not to make the decision for us—but to help us see what’s really at stake.
Not All Pros and Cons Are Created Equal
This isn’t your average decision list.
It’s not about counting up the pluses and minuses and hoping one column wins.
Because what’s on the list matters far less than what’s behind it.
A minor inconvenience and a core value don’t carry the same weight—no matter how many bullets you give them. A “might be fun” and a “meets a deep need for connection” aren’t equal players in the decision game.
That’s why I always come back to something I shared in an earlier post: Start with Who.
The most aligned decisions start from knowing:
What I need
What I value
What I’m wired for (my talents and strengths)
What matters most (my top priorities / areas of focus)
Your core needs, values, strengths, and priorities help you discern what deserves your yes—and what you’re willing to let go. The more grounded I am in who I am, the more peace I have about where I’m going.
How the Matrix Helped Me Decide
A few years ago when I found myself between careers, I received an invitation to take a temporary full-time teaching position at a local high school. I didn’t have a long-term plan. I just had this one offer—and a swirl of questions.
So I did the matrix.
What do I gain if I say yes? What do I give up if I say yes?
What do I gain if I say no? What do I give up if I say no?
Laying it out this way helped me realize: if I said no, I’d lose the opportunity to try something I’d always been curious about. I’d regret not trying it. I wasn’t sure if teaching high school was what I ultimately wanted, but I was sure I wanted to stop wondering. And this was a low-risk way to find out.
So I said yes.
And you know what? I learned pretty quickly that it wasn’t the right long-term fit for me.
But that was the point. The clarity came because I stepped into it.
A Tool for Discernment, Not Just Decision
Here’s the thing: this tool isn’t meant to be a vending machine or a calculator. You don’t fill in the boxes and get an answer.
It’s meant to be a process of discernment.
A spiritual reflection.
A way to gather what’s swirling and lay it before God.
I often return to the wisdom of St. Ignatius, who encouraged people to weigh decisions not by counting pros and cons, but by praying with them. Sitting with what each possibility might create in us—what it might stir up, what it might strengthen, what it might cost.
So as you use this tool, pay attention to your emotions and your body.
Where do you feel peace?
What makes your shoulders drop or your heart lift?
Where do you feel anxiety?
What makes your stomach knot or your jaw clench?
Which boxes feel heavy?
Which ones feel holy?
Sometimes God doesn’t show us what to do—but what to notice.
How to Try It Yourself
If you’re facing a big decision (or even a small one that feels big), this matrix might help.
Here’s how to start:
Draw a large plus sign across a page to create four quadrants.
On the left side, list the pros and cons of choosing the thing you’re considering.
On the right side, list the pros and cons of not choosing it.
For the top row (the “pluses”), you might ask yourself:
What do I gain if I choose this?
What would I love about it?
What are the advantages or benefits?
For the bottom row (the “minuses”), try prompts like:
What do I lose if I choose this?
What would be draining or difficult?
What are the disadvantages or dangers?
Use whatever phrasing helps you get honest. Include both the obvious external stuff and the quiet internal stirrings.
And don’t just think about it—write it down.
Thoughts swirl. But writing settles.
Sometimes we spin in circles for weeks, trying to think our way through a decision—only to discover that things shift once they’re on paper. New insights emerge. Hidden fears show up. Values rise to the surface. Patterns become clear.
Even if it seems like you’re deciding on just one thing (Should I take the job? Go back to school? Say yes to this invitation?), you’re actually choosing between two paths: the thing… or not the thing.
Both deserve your attention.
Write freely. Then step back and reflect.
What stands out?
What surprises you?
What stirs something in you?
And here’s where it gets even more meaningful: after you’ve named what’s there, hold each item up against your core needs, values, and strengths.
Do the benefits align with who you are and what matters most?
Do the potential losses impact something essential to your well-being or calling?
If naming those things feels fuzzy—or if it’s been a while since you’ve checked in with yourself—my free Needs & Values Assessment can help. It’s a simple way to reconnect with what truly matters, so this process becomes not just a decision tool, but a discernment practice.
A Final Word from the In-Between
I used to think that if I just thought hard enough about a decision, the “right” answer would eventually float to the surface.
Now I know better.
I’ve learned that discernment is less about chasing clarity—and more about creating space.
Space to notice.
To reflect.
To listen.
To tell the truth about what matters.
That’s why tools like this matrix help—not because they give us answers, but because they invite us to look more deeply. To get honest about what we’re holding. And to ask God to help us notice what needs to rise to the surface.
Whether you’re weighing two big options or just trying to name what’s next, you don’t have to figure it all out in one sitting. But having a way to lay it down—literally—can be the first step toward moving forward with intention.
So if your thoughts are swirling, if your soul feels stuck, or if your gut says something’s shifting…
Maybe don’t try to think your way out of it.
Try writing your way through it.
Get inside the boxes and see what God has for you there.
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